An Essay on World Domination

Disclaimer

The content in this document is in no way accurate, true, or remotely researched. The slightest relationship to anything realistic is purely accidental. It is meant for informative and academic purposes only. The author of this book has no public plans for world domination nor does she advocate world domination by anyone besides a trained expert who has studied the art of conqueration (if such a word exists - once world is conquered, word WILL exist) for many years. Do not try this at home without adult supervision no matter how fun it may seem. Also the author does not intend any insult to Various Disposable Minions Inc or Invisible Flying Messenger Monkeys™, the latter of which are very intelligent creatures and should be treated with the respect they deserve. Reading of this disclaimer is an agreement on part of reader not to hold the author responsible for any damaging, disastrous, or planet-enslaving effects resulting from agreeing with and/or acting upon anything written in this document. Also, the reader waives all future claims resulting from changes in law which may render this disclaimer null and void. This disclaimer is valid in all states with the exception of those states which have laws forbidding the existence of this disclaimer, and in states where such laws exist the reader hereby agrees to read this disclaimer in a state where this disclaimer is legally binding.

Table of Contents

I

Introduction

II

First Method

III

Introduction to the Second Method

IV

Second Method: North America

V

Second Method: South America

VI

Second Method: Europe

VII

Second Method: Asia

VIII

Second Method: Australia


IX

Second Method: Africa

X

Second Method: Antarctica

XI

Once in Power…

XII

Conclusion

XIII

About the Author
World domination has always been a popular individual goal especially in this modern era of the internet, airplanes, and easily obtainable nuclear arms. Having the entire earth as your playpen just seems to appeal to many, including over-ambitious politicians, religious fanatics, intergalactic nerds, and gaming geeks. World domination is not an easy task but it does not have to be an especially difficult one. The hardest part will be to deicide what you will wear for your coronation. Just remember, as Uncle Ben from Spider-Man said, With great power comes great responsibility.


II
There are two main methods for world domination. The first is by far the quickest, and thus the preferred, method. It is relatively uncomplicated and only requires a limited about of resources though they can be a bit more difficult to obtain in this galaxy do to the trade embargo. More specifically, just some basic mind control devices and rudimentary alien weapons. But, if you can get Havana cigars in Chicago, you can find Sehp’la’an portable laser rays somewhere, if you look hard enough.

Use the mind control device, preferably a simple brain wave transmitter, on the general populace of the world. Those devices operate similarly to each other so no major complications should arise. Just pull down the level and press and hold down the red button (with mind control devices, it is always a red button). While holding down the red button, dictate the message you wish to be implemented into the brains of the world’s populace. In doing so, avoid using words like ‘should’ and ‘ought’ as these are weak words and the doubt implied in them can give enough leeway to the strong-minded to resist. Rather use strong definite words such as ‘must’ and ‘will’. There will always be a few persons who, due to a chemical imbalance in their brains have a natural immunity to these devices. This is where the alien weapons come into play. Politely ask them to accept you as ruler of the earth; if they refuse, then you can vaporize them into nothingness. Remember to ask the before you incinerate them. They might not mind accepting you as the supreme dictator of the planet and you will not have to kill them. You are aiming for world domination, not genocide. You should avoid unnecessary killing whenever possible. Or at least whenever reasonable. Since there has not been a chemical imbalanced yet discovered that causes an immunity to laser blasts, problem solved.

The downside to this method is a high possibility of super hero interference. In particular, super heroes are very fond of making a dramatic entrance at the minute before you activate the device, when it is traditional to take a moment for maniacal gloating laughter. “Saving the World from Domination by an Evil Mastermind the moment before they sets the final stage of their diabolical plan into action” looks really good on a resume. Skipping the maniacal laughter, though a serious breech or tradition, is advisable if you wish to succeed. At the very least, it will prevent the superhero from making a dramatic entrance.

III
The second method for world domination is more complicated and more time consuming, but the resources are more easily, as well as more legally obtainable on this planet. This method is not for the impatient as it requires that you take over the continents politically, and one at a time, a process that can take several years. It is advisable that you remain in the background as a puppet master to avoid unnecessary exposure and the dangers (assassination attempts, criticisms, stoning, etc) that it incurs. You should become a shadow master, which is the preferred term in the world dominator community, until you have fully established your reign on the world, to avoid backfire by someone trying to sniper you or something equally unpleasant. For this you will need figureheads. Two, preferably. That way you can halve the work and have them work on their respective continent sets and support each other, to speed the world domination process. These figureheads should not be your normal mindless minions, but at least moderately clever and intelligent and with ability to act without you having to dictate everything to them. As well, they should be charismatic and have outstanding public speaking skills. The problem is, that those who possess the said qualities often have an ego to match, as well as an unhealthy amount of ambition. This can be detrimental to your scheme, but you still need them to do all the legwork so you can keep yourself in the background in the unlikely event that your scheme backfires. What to do with them will be discussed in later chapters, so for now you just have to worry about keeping them in line and owing to their own ambition this should not prove overly difficult. In addition to the figure heads, a plentiful supply of Various Disposable Minions (VDMs™; politician models are available at reasonable prices from Various Disposable Minions Inc, listed on NASDAQ as VDM) are useful for more menial tasks such as forming puppet governments of the smaller less important countries. Another extremely useful, yet equally difficult to come by, addition to your force would be flying messenger monkeys. The invisible breeds are the most practical in this instance since the visible ones, though they just as efficient, can be a bit recognizable.

It is not advisable to give your minions full copies of this handbook. If you do, it will, in accordance with the Law of Bad Action Movies, fall into the hands of some selfish no-good good-doer who doesn’t believe that it is in their interest for you to rule the world. That would be detrimental to your plans. It would not be a bad idea to give your figureheads a copy of this, though, as long as you omit sections I, II, III, and X. You don’t want them to know about your plans after full domination is achieved, as they might not entirely agree with the plan.



IV

The simplest way to divvy up the work between the two figureheads is to give one the Americans and Australia and the other Europe, Asia, and Antarctica. If one finishes before the other, they can just ease the workload of their counterpart.

With the Americas it is advisable to start at the top and work your way down, since it the law of gravity makes it easier to go down than it is to go up.

Canada in itself is an easy country to overtake, which is one of the reasons it is such a good starting point. Make sure you have the support of the beaver and hockey players and their fans, and that constitutes the majority of the population. To deal with the rest, spend a fair amount of time insulting Americans; something that always goes over well with Canadians, the beavers in particular. Don’t worry about too much international publicity; no one knows who the prime minister of Canada is anyway, so it should not cause too much friction when you move to take over the United States.

The United States is trickier since it gets much more publicity than Canada. On the plus side, however, the voters are much less informed than the beavers. Try to get some Various Disposable Minions into the electoral college. You are going to have to go through the election process again. Most of the civilized world has at least a semblance of a representative democracy, so you cannot just implement simple overthrows and install a suitable puppet government like you can do with authoritarian governments. Returning to the electoral college, the representatives are appointed, so a few bribes should help the governor to consider your suggestions for appointees. This is the least complicated path, since, in all technicality, those representing in the electoral college are not always required to cast their votes according to their states popular vote. If you can infiltrate it, it gives you a leg up, since it will matter if you do not win the popular vote. Of course, it will completely ruin the political careers of the representatives who vote against their states, but that’s why they’re called disposable.

Another method is to rig the ballot processing machines. Everything these days is computerized, so if you have a good enough hacker, this shouldn’t prove difficult. And if your minions are the ones counting the ballots, so much the better. Don’t go overboard and make it read out that you received ninety percent of the popular vote. Fifty or sixty percent should be more than enough to allow you to obtain the 270 electoral votes required. A close race is more realistic than a landslide in this situation, and is less likely to provoke messy and annoying controversy. Especially if you were governor of California before becoming president, since that seat is often considered a step towards presidency. Living in California at some point, regardless of whether you were governor or not, is beneficial to you as it allows you to dismiss any inquiry regarding your Canadian Prime Ministeriship as a Californian Fad Diet

Mexico is fairly straightforward. Just find one of your minions who can either become or impersonate the wife of the president. That’s where all the real power is held. The president will not do anything with out her approval, and will do anything she suggests to him.

V

For South America, just withdraw all aid until they are so desperate, as they are incapable of taking care of themselves, that they will allow you to set up a ‘stabilizing government’ enforced by your ‘peacekeeping force’. Or since revolutions are a dime a dozen, just stage one, or several, of your own that puts your desired government into power. Turning the various guerilla factions against each other keeps them from bothering you, for as long as they have someone to blame everything on and to shoot at with their old semi-automatics, they’ll be content.

VI

While the first figurehead is busy with the Americas, the second should get started with Europe. Now, there are two main ways to deal with Europe. You could take over each country one by one or you could take over the EU and simply impose your will accordingly. Both methods have their merits and are both known to be quite successful. It is optimal to use a compromise of both. Have your figurehead work on the EU while some of your Various Disposable Minions take over the individual countries.

The EU itself is not a difficult organization to infiltrate. Just pretend you are from Coleslavia, a miniscule democratic state just to the northwest of the Balkans. They’ll welcome you with open arms, so long as you have the official government documents stating that you comply with all the EU membership requirements (which you can find on the “Join the EU Today!” website), accept the Euro as your official currency for your nonexistent economy, and have sold enough magazine subscriptions. Do not worry about having to unethically forge documents; Coleslavia doesn’t actually exist, so you are guilt free. The EU has a highly obscure rotational system for deciding which country holds the seat of executive authority, a rough equivalent to drawing lots, it should be no more than a few years before, either by luck or by rig, Coleslavia comes into power.

While the figurehead is duping the EU, your Various Disposable Minions should be duping the individual countries.

Starting on the western edge, you have Spain and Portugal. You can use the same tactics with both the countries as longs as you remember to use Spanish in Spain and Portuguese in Portugal. A Siesta Platform would be the most effective since everybody loves a good nap in the afternoon. After you come into power make sure that you change the election poll hours to only early afternoon, the time when everyone is taking their siesta, so all but your supporters will be too busy napping to vote.

Next we have France. Again, here anti-Americanism will get you far. Also your platform should support flexible work hours and better support for vineyards and cheese farms. This will also work for Belgium, since no one can tell the difference between the two anyway, though in Belgium, you want to support beer more as opposed to wine, with a special emphasis on Hogaarden and Morte Subite.

The British hate Gordon Brown enough to elect any shmoe in his stead. And as long as they have their pubs and their football (soccer, not American football) and cricket, they should be content and don’t give a bloody dam who’s in power as long as whoever it is doesn’t interfere with their carousing.

The Germans, like the Belgians, just want to be able to enjoy their beer in peace. So as long as you control the EU, you can skip taking over Germany, since Germany just follows the EU in everything. Of course, be on the look out for anyone with a funny moustache rallying to kill all the Jews, and if one appears, have them stamped mentally unstable and committed as soon as possible.

With Italy, you have to be able to eat your pasta if you want to get anywhere. Basically, with most of western Europe, various food platforms will work remarkably well and you don’t even have to bother addressing any real issues.

For eastern Europe, and any other non EU country in Europe, just tell them if they support you as supreme ruler of the earth, they can join without having to worry about their environmental standards or economic stability, they will jump at the chance to hang out with the cool countries like Germany and the Netherlands.

VII

Asia is tricky. The expression ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia’ exists for a very good reason. You could spend decades trying to deal with Asia. If you don’t have that kind of time, you only have three plausible options. The first is that you could nuke all the major cities and institute martial law, but that is more than a little messy, and bad for your reputation.

The second is economic manipulation. Using the threat of reduced aid and trade embargos, force the major countries like India, China, Japan and Russia to submit to your will and instill some of your VDMs into positions of power until your figurehead has time to set up a proper puppet government with his or herself as the head. China is a good place to start as it basically has no control over its economy (if you could call it that), anyway. The minor countries will fall to your will quickly after you gain control over the larger ones.

The third method is similar to the one used in South America. Stir discord internally, in China for example, and externally, aggravating the situation between India and Pakistan, for example. Then using the pretext of a moral obligation for world harmony, give yourself, or one of your controlled nations, the responsibility for mitigating those conflicts. Then install puppet governments to help stabilize the very countries you set off balance. As with the economic method, the minor neighboring countries should fall shortly after you take over the larger ones.

VIII

When dealing with Australia, you have to understand that the Australians don’t really care. As long as the government does not interfere too much with their daily lives, they do not mind if it is the current government, or you, or Ross Perot in power, as long as they can still waltz with their matildas. Though it can be difficult to understand why anyone would want to dance with their knapsack unless they are very drunk.

IX

Leave Africa alone. That is not a mess you want to get involved in. Put up an embargo or quarantine or something and do not let anyone in or out, with the possible exception of tourists headed to Casablanca. Trust me, you will save yourself a lot of time, money and trouble by leaving it alone.

X

Antarctica is the simplest continent to deal with. Simply import a polar bear to put in the seat of executive power. You can leave the congress alone though. Those penguins are already dressed up, so you might at least give them a reason to keep their suits on.

XI

After your Figureheads have conquered their respective halves of the world, marry them to join the power. Their gender is irrelevant. You can always pass a legislations making same-sex marriages legal. Then kill them off. The easiest way is to say they died in a skiing incident. The world knows how dangerous skiing accidents are to those in power. Then get your various minions in the puppet governments to appoint you ‘regent’ ruler of the world. You’ll do a lot of work through puppet governments, but that does prevent you from getting all the blame. It makes it easier if you use a cookie-cutter government structure for the majority of nations, as well as similar laws and judicial proceedings. Also get rid of any of the Various Disposable Minions that seem unnecessary.

Now, after you have conquered the world, you can go on to much more important tasks, such as deciding where to build your palace, finding a decorator for your coronation reception party, choosing an appropriate consort, and all other matters of such importance to a world ruler.

XII

This concludes The Basic Handbook on World Domination. The most important thing to remember is not to stress yourself out. World domination should be a fun and relaxing hobby, not an arduous task.

The Basic Handbook on World Domination is available in audio cassette format with the voice of Some Random British Chap for $29.95 from Seventh Hell Audio Publishing Inc.

XIII


The author is a student of the Dr Victor von Doom Preparatory School for Intergalactic Conquest. She has received awards for ‘Best Subtle Manipulator’ and ‘Out-scheming Superheroes”. She has no previous published works, but intends to steal, upon world conqueration (a word that exists in potentia) credit for such works such as Lord of the Rings, Gossip Girl and A Song of Ice and Fire.

My Very First Blogger Entry

Well, here I am at last. Blogger...or blogspot or whatever you want to call it. I've been meaning to create an account here - but I've always stuck to Livejournal and Yahoo 360, which, of course, recently closed (or at the time of this post is about to close). Weirdly enough, my Livejournal account, with family members and friends all reading (or so they claim) has a total hit number of...well, suffice to say, it was disappointing. What was surprising was that my Yahoo 360 profile got a total of 15,000 views in 6 months, which is really encouraging.

'Nuff said - lets start the blog proper.

As I am very possibly not linking this blog to any of the people I know, I shall have to begin by introducing myself, which, as you have probably realized, is not that easy a task to do. It's like the first day in a new school, or your first day at tutorials in college - when the teacher asks each person to stand up and introduce themselves. "State your name, and tell the class something interesting about yourself," he or she will say with that special smile that a person gets when he or she is about to watch live entertainment unfold before his or her very eyes.

I always go with something like this..."Hi. I'm *insert name here* and, uh...uh..." That's my problem. I never have anything to say about myself. Nothing that comes to mind, anyway. I mean, I can't exactly start by saying..."I'm narcissistic and arrogant and..." Nor can I go out and say..."I'm the middle sister of a trio of girls with a single dad because the woman who gave birth to us left some years ago." Things like that tend to make for poor conversation starters. They bring about those awkward silences which you really hate, especially since you are the focus of those silences and everyone's eyes is just boring into you like tiny drills that prick your skin and run across your nerves straight for the part of the brain that makes you blush and wish that the ground would open up and swallow you right down.

So anyway - call me Poison. It's a nickname I happen to like, okay? Don't ask me why - I'm not too sure myself. Maybe it's because Socrates died from ingesting poison hemlock. I like Socrates. Not entirely sure why either.

I am now sitting here and just wondering what to write. I could write about what I am going to write about in this blog - but that is something that I myself am not entirely sure about. Mostly just whatever comes to mind. I blog when I'm bored - which I am most of the time due to an undesirable lack of social life.

By the way - the *insert name here* is a joke taken right out of Terry Pratchett, an author that I absolutely adore.

Hmmm. This is really hard. I've read some of the 'Blogs of Note' and they are filled with stuff that is intelligent and interesting - two things which I am certainly not. There is a theory that when I die, the Intelligence Quotient of the universe will actually go up by a small yet significant fraction.

And yes - I stole that from Terry too. So there.

I think I'll end this here - I'm eager to see how I can tweak this blogspot thingy.