I can't think of a Title for this

I went to the cinema the other day. Alone. Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Me go cinema alone. Alone.

I stood in line at the ticket counter, awaiting my turn to get my ticket. Around me were people in groups of twos and threes and fours and fives, talking and laughing and stuff. And there I was, all by myself. The lone plastic bag slowly drifting down the sea of detritus that is humanity at its best, pulled along by the swift moving current that is life.

The line moved sluggishly along, as some idiots currently having their turn contemplated the difficult choices before them – which movie to watch? All the time they\’ve been standing in line, and now they\’re scratching their heads in wonder and puzzlement. Decisions are difficult – and what is even more difficult is understanding why they could not, during the course of waiting their turn, come to a decision right there instead of waiting for the last possible moment to have their 15 minutes of fame in front of everyone arguing amongst themselves about which movie they wanted to watch.

Idiots.

Finally, belatedly – it was my turn. The guy in charge of the ticket counter, after spending seemingly endless minutes watching the baboons argue amongst themselves, finally casts his eyes upon the most flawless jewel of life, the pinnacle of perfection – me.

\”How may I help you?\” he asks me. A few responses come to mind, especially since I have been waiting behind the aforementioned baboons for quite some time already, with a very uncomfortable wedgie due to my admittedly poor judgement in wearing a thong with a jean skirt. I wondered briefly if I should make this poor soul\’s life a living hell by tearing into him for keeping me, the most wondrous of God\’s creations on this Godforsaken planet, waiting for so long…or if I should bring a ray of joy into the grey of his life by asking him to pick my wedgie for me.

\”Um,\” I say, \”One ticket to ********, please. The next screening.\”

He smiles amiably, and touches the screen before him. \”How many tickets?\” he asks.

\”One,\” I reply, a sinking tone to my voice – because I just know what is coming next.

I have a good view of his face. Pimply, nerdy – he looks like a cross between a chicken and a horse. Don\’t ask me why – it just struck me that way. I can see the puzzlement in his eyes, the creasing of his forehead as his mind tries to make sense of what his ears have just heard. I can almost tell what he\’s thinking. Did I hear her right?

\”How many tickets?\” he asks again. I am kind enough not to make a face at him.

\”One,\” I reply, and give him a bright smile.

He stares at me, disbelief mirrored in his watery chicken eyes. I know what he\’s thinking now. She\’s hot. She\’s very hot. And she\’s alone. Alone? That can\’t be right. She\’s alone?

\”One?\”

\”Yeah. One.\”

He stares at me. I stare back. His hand moves uncertainly over the keypad whatyoumaycallit. He stares at me some more. I stare back, the smile slipping off my face slowly.

\”One.\” He makes it sound like I have just offered to strip for him, and his mouth hasn\’t caught up with the general rejoicing his body is feeling.

\”Yeah.\”

\”O-kayyyyy…\”

I can feel the puzzlement and disbelief intermingled with a certain amount of pity and a large helping of incredulity emanating from his oily pores (because most men sadly neglect skin care). I can feel his gaze following me as I walk away. I don\’t have to turn to see him shake his head, and not with regret at a missed opportunity to ask me out or get my number.

What is it with people? Do I always have to be with someone when I go out? Is it a rule that a girl – okay, a hot girl like me (I am not being immodest – I am being honest. I am hot. No arguments there) must be with someone or some people when I go out to the movies? Must I be hanging off the arm of a hot guy, or be in the midst of girls? Can\’t I go alone?

Everyone needs alone time. I like my alone time to be in the midst of people. I like watching people, observing them. To remain a speck of dust in a whirlwind, in the midst of a crowd but yet all by yourself. Don\’t get me wrong – I\’m not a loner. I\’m not an introvert.

Okay – maybe I am a bit of an introvert, but I am not a loner.

Okay – maybe a bit of a loner.

But what I don\’t get is why people think it\’s weird that I go out alone. I\’ve seen people sitting by themselves in the cinema, munching on popcorn and enjoying the movie with no one by their side. Okay – so maybe they are mostly fat guys with no hope for a date. But there is a group of us who enjoy watching a movie in the darkened cinema pit alone. There\’s a certain thrill to it.

I have a confession to make. I like to sit somewhere behind, and then fling popcorn at the people in front. I don\’t do it often – I do it when there is absolutely no chance of being caught.

I like the anonymity of it. To be in a dark room surrounded by people you don\’t know and have no intention of knowing. Your mind turns inwards, your thoughts sharpen and you observe more things in the darkness than you do in broad daylight.

For me, at least.

A Blog about Jokes

A bus stops at a bus station. A train stops at a train station. Therefore, and this is the killer punch line…work stops at a work station! Get it? Get it???

That is my idea of a joke. I personally find it funny. At least, I used to find it funny. Okay – I found it funny once. Now it\’s just something that I try to tell people so that I appear as witty as I am pretty.

Needless to say – it does not work.

Oh – and my classmates? Their idea of a joke is as follows…

Classmate : Hey – wanna hear a joke?

Me: Sure.

Classmate: Do you want the long version or the short version?

Me: The long version.

Classmate (and this is the punch line) : Okay. Jooooooooooooooooooooooooke.

And you wonder why I have such a low opinion of my classmates. Here\’s another example…

Classmate : Which side of a dragon has the most scales?

Me (having not yet learnt my lesson) : Uhhh…the tail?

Classmate (going for the kill here) : The OUTSIDE!!!

There is something very wrong with them.

Here\’s another of my jokes. When I say \’my\’ – no, I did not come up with it.

A guy was in Germany when he decided to visit Beethoven\’s grave. He goes to the cemetery where Beethoven is buried, and follows the directions to the maestro\’s final resting place. To his surprise, his ears pick up the strains of Beethoven\’s 5th symphony – played backwards. The guy hails a passing gravekeeper and asks him about this strange phenomenon. The gravekeeper stares at the guy in surprise and replies – \”Why…he\’s decomposing!\”

There was another joke I read a couple of years ago.

A guy visits his psychiatrist for some advice. \”Doc,\” he says, \”I don\’t have a sex life. My wife and I haven\’t done it for years! It\’s not that I don\’t feel the \’urge\’…it\’s just that we don\’t seem to have the time. What do I do?\” The psychiatrist considers this deep metaphysical problem and gives his advice. \”Tell you what – the next time you feel the \’urge\’, drop whatever you are doing and do IT right there and then.\”

The guy leaves the psychiatrist\’s office with the words of wisdom hanging in his mind. A few weeks later, he drops by the shrink\’s office again.

\”You were right, Doc! I was having lunch with my wife the other day – we were sitting in front of each other and I looked into her eyes and she looked into mine and we both felt it and we did it right there, right then!\” he says excitedly.

\”That\’s great!\” the psychiatrist replies. \”So what\’s the problem?\”

\”Well,\” the guy replies, \”We\’ll never be allowed in McDonald\’s ever again.\”

Hilarious.

And in ending – I leave you with this thought provoking statement from a great writer.

\”Give a man a fire and he\’ll be warm for a night. Set him on fire and he\’ll be warm for the rest of his life.\”

And as for the picture? I want that on my wall in whichever place is unfortunate enough to have me as an employee.

Random and Weird Facts about Me

1. I hate it when people whisper into my ear – I get goosebumps all over my skin and tingles down my spine. I also hate the feeling of my nails scratching over the sort of roughy smooth surfaces – but I can\’t help but do it anyways.

2. Until I was twelve or thirteen, I swallowed rather than spit when I brushed my teeth. Eventually I got scared by the warnings on tubes of toothpaste and finally broke the habit. It sounds disgusting now, but at the time spitting seemed disgusting to me. Laugh – I dare you.

3. Despite the fact that I failed my first driving test for the following reason, it took months of post-license driving for me to figure out that one is supposed to yield at a green traffic before turning left. It didn\’t click until my friend shrieked this information, after a near miss at a traffic light.

4. I used to have an imaginary friend that I could only see in the mirrors above the vegetables at grocery stores. Every time I went shopping with my mother, I\’d look up at the mirrors and have an inner dialogue with my non-existent friend. A few times I tried to pretend I could see her in the shower door mirror at my grandparent\’s house, but it didn\’t feel right, so I quit. I haven\’t said hello to her in awhile. I wonder if she\’s in Japan.

5. I enjoy shopping at flea markets, thrift stores and vintage stores. I like to buy old photographs and books which I never read anyways. And I would like to buy old lamps, except that my dad refuses to let them in the house. He says they\’re cursed – that\’s one weird fact about him.

6. I was supposed to be on a runway show a year or two ago – but it didn\’t work out because I got so scared and walked so fast that I looked like something out of the old arcade games.

7. I sometimes have strange, nonsensical ideas about things. For example, I used to be certain that a person\’s age resided in his or her knee. It wasn\’t anything physical, for example a creaky knee belonging to an old person, but rather the idea that the number itself, invisible of course, lurked beneath the surface of the knee. I imagined that on every birthday the old number flew out and the new one flew in. Sounds crazy, I know. I also occasionally compare taste to strange things. For example, I have quit drinking apple juice because the taste reminded me of a head concussion, and in these days I won\’t drink beer because I think it tasted like dirt and grass.

8. I don\’t like sushi. I got this email once about a guy who ate sushi, only it wasn\’t cleaned properly and he had worms growing inside him. Every time I see sushi, I feel like throwing up.

9. I don\’t really like mouth to mouth kissing – or kissing of any kind. I keep imagining saliva from him running down my throat, with his enzymes and little bits of food particles and bacteria and germs. And on skin – just feeling a little wetness there (even if it\’s water) makes me feel icky.

10. My parents split on September 11. So yeah – the day the Twin Towers collapsed, so did their marriage.

11. I love pistachios, cashews, walnuts, pecans, almonds, and especially hazelnuts. But not mixed into brownies or ice cream. Never, ever.

12. When I read chick lit or any lit of any kind, I sometimes put the book down and roleplay it in the privacy of my bedroom. A throwback to childhood innocence, perhaps. Or maybe I haven\’t grown up yet.

13. I still cry when I watch Mufasa die.

14. I like Flo Rida and Sean Paul, but I am not a fan of rap. But I can rap Flo Rida very well. Sean Paul I just can\’t keep up with. I learnt the word \’percolate\’ from Sean Paul.

15. Whenever I walk past mirrors and reflective glass at the mall, I like to look at my reflection from the side to see if I\’m walking with my back straight.

16. I like to lie back on my bed and kick my pillow up with my legs. I can lie back and do that for a long time. I have not jumped on a bed ever since I jumped up and fell off when I was 9 – I cut my forehead when I hit the wall.

17. The photo above was taken with my completely useless webcam a few days ago. So yes – I am that hot, David.

18. I like ending my numbered notes with an even number – so bye!!!