Not long ago, I traveled to India – or was it Tibet? – to find a guru who could answer one of the Great Questions of Life. I climbed a mountain all the way to the top, and there, sitting crossed legged on the ledge, was a guru. A wise woman.
I went before her. “Do you mind if I asked you a question?” I said. She nodded, so I did. “Why is it that some women have no trouble finding boyfriends or guys to go out with, while others can’t to save their lives?”
She turned to me. “If I knew the answer,” she said, “do you think I’d be sitting up here on this stupid rock all by myself?”
All right – so I never went to Tibet or India. I’ve never even been out of Florida. But I’m telling the truth when I say that it’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma why some women have men in their lives all the time, and others don’t. I’ve heard a few explanations bandied about; It’s the women who go out and socialize who snap up the guys; it’s the really sexy Megan Fox-esque women who have all the guys flocking to them. My own sister had this to say…’if a guy does not so much as look at me – there’s only one explanation. He’s gay.”
Oh puh – lease. You’re not that hot, Paige. But none of those explanations are right. We all know women who fit the bold and the beautiful category that have gone months without seeing a guy. So what the hell is it, then?
I have absolutely no idea. No – actually I do, else I would not be typing this out, right?
Let’s take me, for example. I’m young, I’m attractive, and I am very single. A true fact that will both relieve and dismay my dad – it has been exactly one year and eight months since I last had sex. Relief, for obvious reasons. Dismay…because all fathers know that daughters are karmic punishment for their youthful transgressions.
Okay – forget the sex. I have not been on a serious date, or any kind of date for that matter, in such a long time that typing it will in all probability make me break down and cry. I really do not get it, at all. Why am I not date-able? And more importantly, what can I do to fix that? The solution, I feel, cannot be sold and bought over a shop counter, nor will it come in the form of implants as is obviously the case with Ashlee. It is more ethereal than that. It is…attitude.
“Attitude?” you ask. “What does that mean?” It means that I have to change the way I think and with that, my behavior. The theory that I am proposing right this minute is that the reason some women are asked out far more often than others is because they have self confidence around men. They are at ease around them.
Confidence is the key, I’m sure. Not the snooty, bitchy, I snap my fingers and jerk my head and SNAP! confidence. I’m talking about the kind of confidence exhibited by women who grew up with brothers around. It is exhibited in the way they act – the kind of naturalness and lack of phonyness that immediately puts men at ease.
I went on this date once. He was a nice guy – sweet and not really all that confident but you could tell that he was trying. And me? I was a complete mess. I became unnaturally loud and boisterous. I wasn’t listening to his jokes, just going through the motions of displaying delight. And all the while I was thinking in that tiny, whiny and desperate inner voice – “How am I doing? How am I doing?” I was acting all plastic and phony and I think it showed, because neither of us really enjoyed the date at all.
Speaking of which, there is something I would like to share with guys out there. Do not, in those post coital moments, ask your female partner… “Did you cum? Did you have an orgasm?” Because if the woman did not in fact have an orgasm, she would have to lie to make you feel good about yourself, and no one ever feels good about lying. And if she was honest and said “No – I did not cum,” you’ll be left all miserable and in doubt of your sexual prowess, even is the sex was good. An orgasm is not a necessary part of a good tumble in bed. And for those of you who claim not to have a problem in that department, as in “I always satisfy her.”….SUUUUUUUUUUUUURE. You think that, if it makes you feel better. What I’m trying to say here is…please don’t make us lie just to feed your insatiable ego.
Now – back to my lack of date-ability. Okay – maybe I have a slight confidence problem. That isn’t so bad, is it? I mean, there are worse things. One of those things is an overconfidence problem. There are some of us, and by that I may be talking about myself although I am not entirely sure, who think that we are not the problem; the guys are. We act all high and mighty atop a pedestal that guys get turned off, or at least discouraged. It’s like the universe revolves around us and we expect the men to conform to our expectations. Overconfidence, in that ‘I’m so hot and sexy and obviously am too good for you so be grateful that I am even sitting at the same table with you’ way does not help. Men are like small time bullies, in that they will pounce at the smallest sign of insecurity but will recoil in horror and run away with their tails between their legs at a show of strength. I think men prefer walking to Wal-Mart as opposed to climbing the dating equivalent of Mount Everest.
Related to this is something I have observed in myself, a kind of defensiveness (or offensiveness) that creeps into my conversations with men. Say I go out a few times with this guy, right? And he asks if I want to get together again on Friday. My answer would immediately be a coolly said, “Sure. If you want,” which makes him sound needy and shows, possibly that I am being condescending or worse, instead of “Yes!” which will, in effect, make him feel wanted.
So why, as I am sure David is asking, the reason for this blog? No, it’s not a spur of the moment thing. And yes, Andy, our conversation did have something to do with it. Now wipe that smug smile off your face.
Lastly, I would like to paraphrase Terry Pratchett on something that I kinda wish would happen to me. Taken from Thud!...the ‘Jerk’ syndrome.
“…sometimes a woman is so beautiful that any man with half a brain isn’t going to think of asking her our, okay? Because it’s obvious that she’s far too grand for the likes of him. So a guy who hasn’t got half a brain, a man to whom shame holds no shame, who is so used to women saying ‘no’ when he asks them out that he’s not afraid of being told off, asks her, because he figures, why not? And she, who by now thinks there’s something wrong with her, is so grateful she says okay.”
And then, in my dream world, they end up being perfect for each other, fall in love and live happily ever after.
I went before her. “Do you mind if I asked you a question?” I said. She nodded, so I did. “Why is it that some women have no trouble finding boyfriends or guys to go out with, while others can’t to save their lives?”
She turned to me. “If I knew the answer,” she said, “do you think I’d be sitting up here on this stupid rock all by myself?”
All right – so I never went to Tibet or India. I’ve never even been out of Florida. But I’m telling the truth when I say that it’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma why some women have men in their lives all the time, and others don’t. I’ve heard a few explanations bandied about; It’s the women who go out and socialize who snap up the guys; it’s the really sexy Megan Fox-esque women who have all the guys flocking to them. My own sister had this to say…’if a guy does not so much as look at me – there’s only one explanation. He’s gay.”
Oh puh – lease. You’re not that hot, Paige. But none of those explanations are right. We all know women who fit the bold and the beautiful category that have gone months without seeing a guy. So what the hell is it, then?
I have absolutely no idea. No – actually I do, else I would not be typing this out, right?
Let’s take me, for example. I’m young, I’m attractive, and I am very single. A true fact that will both relieve and dismay my dad – it has been exactly one year and eight months since I last had sex. Relief, for obvious reasons. Dismay…because all fathers know that daughters are karmic punishment for their youthful transgressions.
Okay – forget the sex. I have not been on a serious date, or any kind of date for that matter, in such a long time that typing it will in all probability make me break down and cry. I really do not get it, at all. Why am I not date-able? And more importantly, what can I do to fix that? The solution, I feel, cannot be sold and bought over a shop counter, nor will it come in the form of implants as is obviously the case with Ashlee. It is more ethereal than that. It is…attitude.
“Attitude?” you ask. “What does that mean?” It means that I have to change the way I think and with that, my behavior. The theory that I am proposing right this minute is that the reason some women are asked out far more often than others is because they have self confidence around men. They are at ease around them.
Confidence is the key, I’m sure. Not the snooty, bitchy, I snap my fingers and jerk my head and SNAP! confidence. I’m talking about the kind of confidence exhibited by women who grew up with brothers around. It is exhibited in the way they act – the kind of naturalness and lack of phonyness that immediately puts men at ease.
I went on this date once. He was a nice guy – sweet and not really all that confident but you could tell that he was trying. And me? I was a complete mess. I became unnaturally loud and boisterous. I wasn’t listening to his jokes, just going through the motions of displaying delight. And all the while I was thinking in that tiny, whiny and desperate inner voice – “How am I doing? How am I doing?” I was acting all plastic and phony and I think it showed, because neither of us really enjoyed the date at all.
Speaking of which, there is something I would like to share with guys out there. Do not, in those post coital moments, ask your female partner… “Did you cum? Did you have an orgasm?” Because if the woman did not in fact have an orgasm, she would have to lie to make you feel good about yourself, and no one ever feels good about lying. And if she was honest and said “No – I did not cum,” you’ll be left all miserable and in doubt of your sexual prowess, even is the sex was good. An orgasm is not a necessary part of a good tumble in bed. And for those of you who claim not to have a problem in that department, as in “I always satisfy her.”….SUUUUUUUUUUUUURE. You think that, if it makes you feel better. What I’m trying to say here is…please don’t make us lie just to feed your insatiable ego.
Now – back to my lack of date-ability. Okay – maybe I have a slight confidence problem. That isn’t so bad, is it? I mean, there are worse things. One of those things is an overconfidence problem. There are some of us, and by that I may be talking about myself although I am not entirely sure, who think that we are not the problem; the guys are. We act all high and mighty atop a pedestal that guys get turned off, or at least discouraged. It’s like the universe revolves around us and we expect the men to conform to our expectations. Overconfidence, in that ‘I’m so hot and sexy and obviously am too good for you so be grateful that I am even sitting at the same table with you’ way does not help. Men are like small time bullies, in that they will pounce at the smallest sign of insecurity but will recoil in horror and run away with their tails between their legs at a show of strength. I think men prefer walking to Wal-Mart as opposed to climbing the dating equivalent of Mount Everest.
Related to this is something I have observed in myself, a kind of defensiveness (or offensiveness) that creeps into my conversations with men. Say I go out a few times with this guy, right? And he asks if I want to get together again on Friday. My answer would immediately be a coolly said, “Sure. If you want,” which makes him sound needy and shows, possibly that I am being condescending or worse, instead of “Yes!” which will, in effect, make him feel wanted.
So why, as I am sure David is asking, the reason for this blog? No, it’s not a spur of the moment thing. And yes, Andy, our conversation did have something to do with it. Now wipe that smug smile off your face.
Lastly, I would like to paraphrase Terry Pratchett on something that I kinda wish would happen to me. Taken from Thud!...the ‘Jerk’ syndrome.
“…sometimes a woman is so beautiful that any man with half a brain isn’t going to think of asking her our, okay? Because it’s obvious that she’s far too grand for the likes of him. So a guy who hasn’t got half a brain, a man to whom shame holds no shame, who is so used to women saying ‘no’ when he asks them out that he’s not afraid of being told off, asks her, because he figures, why not? And she, who by now thinks there’s something wrong with her, is so grateful she says okay.”
And then, in my dream world, they end up being perfect for each other, fall in love and live happily ever after.
P.S - Your dream to appear on my blog has now come true, Andy.
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3 comments:
You gotta admit that I look good in the picture, Jess!
I'm very confused, you meander like a steam with no direction in life my dear.
Pretty good, actually, and it's just a fact that everyone, no matter how confident they appear, has a tiny insecure little self. Women more than men, and since that second facts came from Scrubs then it MUST be true. FACT.
Anyway, girl like you? It's mankinds loss old girl.
A date is two people pretending to be what they're not under the pretense of getting to know each other.
Dates don't actually become what they're supposedly about until the people have been together for weeks. So the better way to start is to say "to hell with dating" and just strip all limits and expectations from "hanging out". ;)
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